Avoidance

My mother died a little less than four months ago, on April 27.  I can remember that date so easily because it's the day after my nephew, her grandson's, birthday.  I remember my sister saying she was glad that our mom officially passed after midnight, so that my nephew's birthday wouldn't always also be the day his beloved Nana passed away.

I try not to bring it up too much.  Sometimes I feel like mentioning her is like grenade fishing for attention.  "Oh, feel sorry for me, I'm 29 and I lost my mommy."  I feel like people will roll their eyes at me, "Oh, get over it, you're a grown woman, you know these things happen."

I'm trying my hardest to be strong.  I've always prided myself on my strength, physical, mental, emotional.  My father lost his wife, my sister isn't as strong as me.  I've tried so hard to stay strong for them, to be the one they can rely on.  I don't feel very reliable, sometimes.  I want to keep the house clean but some days it's all I can do to get off the couch.  I spend all my free time playing online because my friends are all far away most of the time.  I don't talk to some of them as much as I should and I feel guilty about it, because I feel like I'm avoiding them because I don't want to make them uncomfortable, should I say or do something wrong.

My sister said it best before, when she said the way people act once you've suffered a big loss like this, is that it's like they think you're contagious somehow.  They have to face the fact that this sort of thing can happen: "She lost her mother, what if it were me?"  People don't like to think about that sort of thing, so they retreat to a safe distance to try and avoid it.  It's painful, and it makes me feel like a carrier.  The fact of knowing that when people see me, that might be the first thing on their mind, that I'm defined by the fact of having lost my mother, it makes me feel weird and icky and like I shouldn't try to be around people.

I know this probably isn't true at all, this isn't how some people feel.  But it's how people MAKE ME feel.  And I don't have any ready well of advice for how anyone can become more comfortable about this...