Avoidance

My mother died a little less than four months ago, on April 27.  I can remember that date so easily because it's the day after my nephew, her grandson's, birthday.  I remember my sister saying she was glad that our mom officially passed after midnight, so that my nephew's birthday wouldn't always also be the day his beloved Nana passed away.

I try not to bring it up too much.  Sometimes I feel like mentioning her is like grenade fishing for attention.  "Oh, feel sorry for me, I'm 29 and I lost my mommy."  I feel like people will roll their eyes at me, "Oh, get over it, you're a grown woman, you know these things happen."

I'm trying my hardest to be strong.  I've always prided myself on my strength, physical, mental, emotional.  My father lost his wife, my sister isn't as strong as me.  I've tried so hard to stay strong for them, to be the one they can rely on.  I don't feel very reliable, sometimes.  I want to keep the house clean but some days it's all I can do to get off the couch.  I spend all my free time playing online because my friends are all far away most of the time.  I don't talk to some of them as much as I should and I feel guilty about it, because I feel like I'm avoiding them because I don't want to make them uncomfortable, should I say or do something wrong.

My sister said it best before, when she said the way people act once you've suffered a big loss like this, is that it's like they think you're contagious somehow.  They have to face the fact that this sort of thing can happen: "She lost her mother, what if it were me?"  People don't like to think about that sort of thing, so they retreat to a safe distance to try and avoid it.  It's painful, and it makes me feel like a carrier.  The fact of knowing that when people see me, that might be the first thing on their mind, that I'm defined by the fact of having lost my mother, it makes me feel weird and icky and like I shouldn't try to be around people.

I know this probably isn't true at all, this isn't how some people feel.  But it's how people MAKE ME feel.  And I don't have any ready well of advice for how anyone can become more comfortable about this...

There Is A Saying

And it doesn't see nearly enough recognition these days.

"Never attribute to malice what can be explained by accident."

That may not be the exact saying, but it's near enough to the heart of the matter that it works for me.  In case one doesn't understand, what it breaks down as, is "never assume someone meant to hurt you, when it's very likely what happened was an unfortunate mistake."

I see way too much of this day-to-day.  Stories in the news about shootings over insults, people becoming suspicious of their spouses working late, parents making assumptions about their child's friends based on a lingo they are probably too old to understand.  It's not just the big places, either.  Even in small areas of good friends, the same thing can happen.  I've seen people who were once good friends fall apart through this occurance.  Some supposed insult occurs, and the other person takes it as a personal attack, when all that happened was that the first person said or did something they had no realization was a problem.

This happens a lot among autistic/Aspergers people.  It's mentioned frequently in the literature that we sometimes will do something offensive, not realizing that what we have done IS in fact offensive.  I personally take responsibility for this, and I frequently tell people that I may do this, and ask that they please correct me if I have done something wrong.

But too many people can't do this.  They refuse to accept that anything could be done or said innocently, and that anything which happens to them is a direct attack fueled purely by the attacker's resentment.  A recent incident I observed seemed to bear this fact out...despite apologies and offers to rectify the mistake, the person who took offense refused to be mollified, instead insisting on, essentially, behaving like an immature child and clinging to the anger.  Absolutely nothing was acheived by this, whereas had said offended person simply realized that perhaps a mistake had been made and it could be fixed if they allowed, the problem would have gone away very simply.

That's not to say there are times offense isn't meant, or there are insincere apologies, those absolutely exist too, and one should consider them.  But overall, the odds run far greater towards the truth of the saying.  The world would probably be a lot better of a place if more people took to it.

First entry

I had a thought of trying out this blogging thing.  I'll be honest, I don't have a lot of ideas on what to do with it.  It really seems like a lot of the good ideas have already been taken!  That being said, I suppose I can figure out something interesting to do.  If nothing else, I do have a lot of stories to tell that people tell me are good.  The odds are perfectly good that they're lying to me and my stories are inherently boring.  But they're just as good that the truth is being told.

Anyway, just watch this space for further notice!